Canadiens player claims squatters rights on Bruins' home bench

The Bruins' home bench was left in utter disarray when the team returned from intermission to find an uninvited guest, Montreal Canadiens' winger Henri Beauchemin, casually perched among them. Invoking squatter’s rights, Beauchemin declared he had no intention of leaving what he now claimed as his new domicile.

"We come back for the third period and there's a Canadien making himself at home on our bench," grumbled Bruins captain, Jack MacDougal. "This is our sanctuary. It’s where we keep our extra sticks and set our strategy. So, to find a visiting player reading our playbook and drinking our Gatorade....it's unacceptable! How can this be ok!? "

The standoff reached a climax when Bruins enforcer Buck Johnson attempted to uproot Beauchemin, only to be sent to the penalty box for 'unsportsmanlike conduct and illegal eviction efforts.' These legal repercussions seemed upside down and added insult to injury to the home club.

Bruins officials were beside themselves, but Beauchemin waved a copy of Massachusetts law, insisting his uninterrupted stay on the bench during the break between periods solidified his claim. "I'm allowed to do this by league rules, so if they don't like it, then, how you Americans say, ongles durs!" (Author's note: this French phrase literally means "hard nails" but we think he meant to invoke the slang expression, "tough toenails!").

"They call themselves 'Habs', which is short for 'Habitants'," said season ticket member, fan Sally O'Malley. "But just because they were early settlers of Quebec doesn’t make them citizens of Boston." "They're supposed to be our guests," spouted Paul Cannata, "not squatters claiming residency! This isn't open house night at the Garden. Send 'em back up north, I say." "They should be evicted immediately, and take their cheeky grins with them!" exclaims Chuck Mangione, a lifelong Bruins fan with his face painted in black and gold, clearly not amused by the intrusion on his home ice.

Meanwhile, NHL officials seem to be skating around the issue, with Commissioner Bettman deflecting: "Let's focus on the fantastic fan engagement this season, shall we? Squatting is really more of a real estate topic, not suitable for the ice."